Update

I know it's been awhile since I posted last. A lot, and I mean a LOT has happened since then.

We had our first appointment with the specialist on the 15th (yay! Happy anniversary to us!)
The doctor was not as bad as I had first feared. I can understand why some people really did not like him as he does NOT sugar coat the truth and lays it all out on the table.

The Cyst - the CT scan that I had in June indicated that I had a 6cm cyst on my left ovary that they suspected was a dermoid cyst. This is the type of cyst that can be malignant or, if left alone, can turn malignant. Therefore, the doctor recommended surgery. A surgery that would leave me off work for 1 - 1.5 months! I know that as an accountant, I don't really have a strenuous job, however, there are only a few times during the year that I can take 1.5 months off work and not be killed for it. I had a lot of thinking to do to determine when I should go for the surgery. My options were:
1. Christmas time - Merry Christmas to me!
2. May/June - after tax season but before my heavy study time kicks in.

The sooner the cyst is dealt with, the sooner we can proceed with possible treatments, should we go that route. Also, obviously, if it is malignant, the sooner we remove it, the better. So...I was in line for surgery. A surgery that could result in the removal of the ovary should the doctor get in there and find the cyst deeply ingrained in the ovary. Hmmm...maybe a little bit of sugar coating would have been nice...

To Ovulate or Not to Ovulate...That is the Question...
The next thing to figure out was whether or not I was even ovulating. Although my charting indicated a relatively clear temperature shift (less so in more recent months), the dr. ordered an ultrasound on day 12 to determine whether or not I was ovulating. The day prior, my GP had ordered an ultrasound to have a look at what was going on my right side. So, I contacted my GP to make sure that she was ok with me combining the two ultrasounds. She was ok with that.

So, on day 12, I show up for the ultrasound (btw...NO ONE told me it was an internal ultrasound - THAT was a fantastic surprise! *insert sarcasm here*) So, the ultrasound tech was kind of useless - he was doing a standard day 12 U/S, even though I kept asking him to have a look on the right side as well. He basically ignored me. Then the dr. came in, had a look, told me I had one follie on my right side forming. When he was trying to leave the room, I told him I wanted to discuss timing for the surgery.
Dr: "What surgery?" Wow...thanks for looking at my chart before coming to see me.
Me: "For the cyst."
Dr: "What cyst?" Finally picks up my chart and looks at it. Mutters to himself "6 cm cyst on left ovary"
Dr to tech: "Go to the left ovary"
Tech: *jab towards left side of body*
Dr: "There's no cyst there."
Me: "Huh???"

Yeah, no cyst on left ovary. Wow. A part of me wonders what kind of crack the CT scan tech was on. Another part of me realizes what a powerful and amazing God we have.

Me: "Okay...so, did you get the results of my husband's analysis?"
Dr: "Hmmm...everything looks normal except for one number. We want to see about 50% moving forward and he only has 30%." Dr. then leaves room before I can ask any more questions. Like "WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN???" If only 30% are moving forward, what the hell is the remaining 70% doing? Sitting on their asses? Going in the wrong direction?

So...that's where we are now. I go for more blood work tomorrow (day 22-26) to determine whether or not that one lonely follie actually matured into an egg. Hell, even if it did, apparently my husband's little guys aren't gonna find it because they are going in the wrong direction.

Today was not a good day...

I'm tired of failing.
I failed at baking a pie a few nights ago.
Now I've failed at helping a friend by fostering her GIANT dog (in addition to dealing with our 5 month old pup). I feel so awful. We said we would take her. And if Darren was here, it would help. But he's gone to Seattle for the weekend (boy's trip to video game convention).
I hate failing. Yet, it seems that is all I've been doing lately. I know it's not true, but it sure feels like it. I need to remind myself of the things that I'm doing right and not failing at.
1. My job - my boss seems very pleased with my performance and I am loving it.
2. My schooling - I have very few revisions required each week and they often do not take me more than 1/2 hour to do and hand back in.
3. My marriage - okay, so maybe I'm not doing stellar in that. Lord knows I'm thankful that I have such a patient husband

Why is it that we don't always notice the good things but the bad things are screaming in our faces? Positive thoughts...positive thoughts...positive thoughts.

I'm sick and tired...

...of being in pain. I hurt so much. Every now and then I get sharp, shooting pains on my right side (the side with the abscess). When it's not sharp, shooting pains, it's like constant cramping. It's gotten so bad, I can't sleep on my tummy anymore. And no doctor wants to do anything for me. The original doctor who did my surgery to remove the abscess doesn't want to deal with me anymore because I was referred to another surgeon that my GP referred me to. My GP doesn't want to do anything because it's not in her "area of expertise". The other surgeon hasn't seen me since June and won't see me until October because she's on holidays. Fantastic. Meanwhile, I'm in pain and frustrated.

So, both Darren and I have some challenges (above and beyond the abscess issues above) coming up.
September 10, Darren gets to go make a "deposit" at the hospital. He's a lot less worried about it now after I asked some questions when I called to make the appointment. The poor man was imagining a curtained off area with assistance. Yeah...you read that right. We're talkin' "Road Trip" type images floating through his wild (more wild than I ever gave him credit for) imagination.
September 15 (yay, second year anniversary), I have my first appointment with the fertility specialist in town. I've read his reviews on ratemds.com. NOT good. I'm a little terrified. Some of the reviews are obviously just from ladies who want to blame their infertility on someone. Others scare the bejeebies out of me. I'll go for the initial consultation, and if he is really as bad as some of the reviews say, I will go back to my GP (who made the referral) and talk to her about it. I know that I can't put 100% stock into those reviews. My own GP has a few not so great reviews, yet I love her. I'm willing to give this guy a chance.

I'm trying really hard to not make this blog a "poor me" blog. I know that I have a lot of things to be very thankful for. And I'm trying. I really am. Some days, like today, when I am in so much pain, it's hard. Darren has been fantastic, but he's a boy and he just doesn't get it. He's willing to go through the testing, which I know that I'm very fortunate for.

I am thankful for:
1. My husband - he is as supportive as he can be
2. My mom - she has been there and can understand the frustration
3. My mother-in-law - again, she has been there. She's been very supportive.
4. My friend - although we haven't had a chance to spend much time together since I moved jobs, I know that she would be there for her
5. My health - although there are some aspects of my body that are currently rebelling, however, overall, I am healthy

My baby...

Okay, I need a bit of pick me up tonight, so just thought I would share a picture of my baby. Her name is Abby and she was 5 months 2 days ago. She's an absolulte sweety. Perhaps she will be the only baby I will ever have.

Some would say I'm fortunate...

Not because I'm struggling with infertility (IF), but because I have some special ladies in my life who have been through the struggle themselves.
My mom. Well, technically, she is my adoptive mother, but for all intent and purposes, she is my mom in every sense of the word. Both of my siblings are also adopted. My parents were unable to have a child of their own. The built their family through adoption. This is also an option for myself and Darren. We aren't at that point yet, but it is definitely in the back of my mind. Thankfully I have a husband who is also open to adoption. My mom has been an amazing source of support. She's been there. She knows the heartache in watching all the ladies around her become pregnant. She knows the frustration. She's been there.
My mother-in-law. Although my husband is a biological child (no one would doubt it looking at Darren and his dad!), they did not have an easy time of it either. They had actually decided on pursuing adoption when she got pregnant. She too has been a great source of support. For her, the solution is to stop worrying because it worked for her. That is definitely easier said than done.
My friend. Her and her husband have been trying to start their family for a few years now. Nothing. She has been very forthcoming with me and a huge source of support. She recommended her doctor to me, who has been fantastic. She understands what we are going through. She understands the stress that this put on a marriage.
I also do have friends and family who are very supporting who have not been through IF. I suppose I am very fortunate. It is important when going through IF to be thankful and appreciative of what you have. It is so easy to focus on what you do NOT have that sometimes you lose focus on what you do have.

Where to start...

There doesn't seem to be a "right" way to start this. However, I feel the need to do this. I don't understand why. Some would say that this is not the right medium to work out my feelings. That's ok. You're entitled to your opinion. I feel differently. Granted, I honestly don't know how many people I will give this URL to. So, it may not even be an issue.
I have my first appointment with a fertility specialist in September. Yes, a fertility specialist. I never thought I would get to this point. When Darren and I decided that we wanted to start our family last year, I had it ALL planned out. Serves me right.
I was supposed to have a baby in my arms by this time. I was supposed to be a mom. Darren was supposed to be a dad. I was supposed to have a year with my baby before writing the UFE. We were so paranoid about making sure that we were preventing until exactly the right time. Oh if I had only known.
If I had only known that I would have some mysterious abscess on my right side.
If I had only known that I would have a large cyst on my left ovary.
If I had only known that it would rip my heart out to watch Darren with a little one and know that I wasn't able to give him one of his own.
If I had only known.