I'm sick and tired...

...of being in pain. I hurt so much. Every now and then I get sharp, shooting pains on my right side (the side with the abscess). When it's not sharp, shooting pains, it's like constant cramping. It's gotten so bad, I can't sleep on my tummy anymore. And no doctor wants to do anything for me. The original doctor who did my surgery to remove the abscess doesn't want to deal with me anymore because I was referred to another surgeon that my GP referred me to. My GP doesn't want to do anything because it's not in her "area of expertise". The other surgeon hasn't seen me since June and won't see me until October because she's on holidays. Fantastic. Meanwhile, I'm in pain and frustrated.

So, both Darren and I have some challenges (above and beyond the abscess issues above) coming up.
September 10, Darren gets to go make a "deposit" at the hospital. He's a lot less worried about it now after I asked some questions when I called to make the appointment. The poor man was imagining a curtained off area with assistance. Yeah...you read that right. We're talkin' "Road Trip" type images floating through his wild (more wild than I ever gave him credit for) imagination.
September 15 (yay, second year anniversary), I have my first appointment with the fertility specialist in town. I've read his reviews on ratemds.com. NOT good. I'm a little terrified. Some of the reviews are obviously just from ladies who want to blame their infertility on someone. Others scare the bejeebies out of me. I'll go for the initial consultation, and if he is really as bad as some of the reviews say, I will go back to my GP (who made the referral) and talk to her about it. I know that I can't put 100% stock into those reviews. My own GP has a few not so great reviews, yet I love her. I'm willing to give this guy a chance.

I'm trying really hard to not make this blog a "poor me" blog. I know that I have a lot of things to be very thankful for. And I'm trying. I really am. Some days, like today, when I am in so much pain, it's hard. Darren has been fantastic, but he's a boy and he just doesn't get it. He's willing to go through the testing, which I know that I'm very fortunate for.

I am thankful for:
1. My husband - he is as supportive as he can be
2. My mom - she has been there and can understand the frustration
3. My mother-in-law - again, she has been there. She's been very supportive.
4. My friend - although we haven't had a chance to spend much time together since I moved jobs, I know that she would be there for her
5. My health - although there are some aspects of my body that are currently rebelling, however, overall, I am healthy

My baby...

Okay, I need a bit of pick me up tonight, so just thought I would share a picture of my baby. Her name is Abby and she was 5 months 2 days ago. She's an absolulte sweety. Perhaps she will be the only baby I will ever have.

Some would say I'm fortunate...

Not because I'm struggling with infertility (IF), but because I have some special ladies in my life who have been through the struggle themselves.
My mom. Well, technically, she is my adoptive mother, but for all intent and purposes, she is my mom in every sense of the word. Both of my siblings are also adopted. My parents were unable to have a child of their own. The built their family through adoption. This is also an option for myself and Darren. We aren't at that point yet, but it is definitely in the back of my mind. Thankfully I have a husband who is also open to adoption. My mom has been an amazing source of support. She's been there. She knows the heartache in watching all the ladies around her become pregnant. She knows the frustration. She's been there.
My mother-in-law. Although my husband is a biological child (no one would doubt it looking at Darren and his dad!), they did not have an easy time of it either. They had actually decided on pursuing adoption when she got pregnant. She too has been a great source of support. For her, the solution is to stop worrying because it worked for her. That is definitely easier said than done.
My friend. Her and her husband have been trying to start their family for a few years now. Nothing. She has been very forthcoming with me and a huge source of support. She recommended her doctor to me, who has been fantastic. She understands what we are going through. She understands the stress that this put on a marriage.
I also do have friends and family who are very supporting who have not been through IF. I suppose I am very fortunate. It is important when going through IF to be thankful and appreciative of what you have. It is so easy to focus on what you do NOT have that sometimes you lose focus on what you do have.

Where to start...

There doesn't seem to be a "right" way to start this. However, I feel the need to do this. I don't understand why. Some would say that this is not the right medium to work out my feelings. That's ok. You're entitled to your opinion. I feel differently. Granted, I honestly don't know how many people I will give this URL to. So, it may not even be an issue.
I have my first appointment with a fertility specialist in September. Yes, a fertility specialist. I never thought I would get to this point. When Darren and I decided that we wanted to start our family last year, I had it ALL planned out. Serves me right.
I was supposed to have a baby in my arms by this time. I was supposed to be a mom. Darren was supposed to be a dad. I was supposed to have a year with my baby before writing the UFE. We were so paranoid about making sure that we were preventing until exactly the right time. Oh if I had only known.
If I had only known that I would have some mysterious abscess on my right side.
If I had only known that I would have a large cyst on my left ovary.
If I had only known that it would rip my heart out to watch Darren with a little one and know that I wasn't able to give him one of his own.
If I had only known.