Wow, I'm a bad blogger

So, it's been a very long time since I've posted last. A lot has happened (huh...seems to be the way things go when you only post once every 6 months!)

I met with the new doc in June (shortly after my last post). I got a great feeling from him and felt very confident in his abilities. Upon a physical examination (yay!) he confirmed the cyst on my left ovary. Would have been nice if Dr. Asswad (not his real name...but close to it, and it's fitting) had actually examined me - I could have had the cyst dealt with long before! He sent in a surgery request.

Friends of our announced their engagement this summer - he was a groomsman for us. They are planning on getting married in the Dominican Republic in February. So, when we were determining whether or not we were able to go, I figured I better find out when my surgery was going to be scheduled. So I called the hospital. The original date - March 23rd, 2011. Now...keep in mind - I'm an accountant at a small firm - March through to April is INSANE for us as it is personal tax time. If I were to take 4-6 weeks off work starting March 23rd, I would miss 50% - 75% of the busiest time of year for us - I would also be fired! So, after I started breathing again, I told the booking tech that there was NO way I could do the surgery then, and that if I was going to wait 10 months for surgery, I might as well wait 11 and schedule the surgery for May. So, that was the plan.

I went off work starting July 1st to go on my "UFE summer". For those of you unfamiliar with the UFE, it is a 3 day, 13 hour exam required for the Chartered Accountant designation. Preparing yourself for this exam (and writing the exam), is one of the most difficult, challenging, draining and excruciating things a CA candidate will do. I have never felt so drained, exhilarated and scared all at once. We wrote September 14th, 15th and 16th. Results were not released until December 3rd. It was a LONG wait!

After writing the exam in the middle of September, D and I went to BC for a week for me to recuperate. After that, I headed home to my parents for a week. What is happening with my family is a whole different can of worms that needs its own blog. My brother's health is not good - mentally or physically. My parents have huge weights on their shoulders as they try to help their middle child survive. I felt the need to go see them, to do what I could, offer what support and encouragement I could. And to show them that I'm ok and that they didn't have to worry about me.

I returned to work at the beginning of October. I quickly got back into the swing of things, though the waiting for results definitely drove me crazy! Mid-to-late October I received word that the surgery I was expecting to happen in May was going to happen December 8th. Time to tell my boss that after taking 3 months off, I was going to need another 4-6 weeks off! Thankfully my boss is fantastic and very understanding.

December 3rd came - results day. I hadn't been sleeping well all week. You have some pretty weird, intense dreams when you are waiting for that kind of result! The morning of the 3rd, when the results were supposed to be released at 8:00 am, the website crashed. Too many stressed out UFE candidates cause the site to not work. Once I finally was able to access the results I found out that I PASSED! I've never felt so happy, relieved, excited, etc. in my life. D was laughing at me saying that he's "normally the 4 year old!"

December 8th came - surgery day. The surgery went as well as expected. The doctor was forced to take my left ovary as the dermoid cyst was too large. This has been a hard pill to swallow, but I'm coming to terms with it. I escaped the hospital on the 10th and have been at home, healing since. My recovery has been slower than I had anticipated, but not any slower than anyone else expect.

We were referred down to a fertility clinic in September. Our first appointment will not happen until around May. Between now and then, I hope to work on becoming parents the 'ol' fashioned way' (once D is allowed back in the bed again of course - right now, I'm too tender and it's too possible that he'll flail and hurt me). D and I have talked - D wants to try treatments before pursuing adoption. I'm ok with that. I think, deep in my heart, I wanted that too. Don't get me wrong, I think adoption is the right choice for many couples. But right now, it's not the right choice for D and I.

So...that's about it. You are now officially updated on my life. Yay for you! :-)

So it's been awhile...

Yes, I know, I'm a terrible blogger.
A lot has happened since my last post.
Apparently the cyst IS still there (this was confirmed by a MRI in December).
I've "fired" the quack doctor who magically made the cyst disappear.
I'll be meeting with a new doctor this month.
I feel very much in limbo - I don't feel that we've exhuasted all of our paths for conceiving a child of our own, so I don't feel that we are ready for adoption, but by the same token, I don't know how far we want to go in trying to conceive.
A part of me desperately wishes to see those two pink lines. A part of me is terrified that I may never have that opportunity.
Another part of me feels that having a child, no matter which way, is more important. Obviously I'm not ready for any major decision.
So, that is where I am, in a nutshell. I'll try and be a better blogger (not that anyone reads this anyways!) :-)

Update

I know it's been awhile since I posted last. A lot, and I mean a LOT has happened since then.

We had our first appointment with the specialist on the 15th (yay! Happy anniversary to us!)
The doctor was not as bad as I had first feared. I can understand why some people really did not like him as he does NOT sugar coat the truth and lays it all out on the table.

The Cyst - the CT scan that I had in June indicated that I had a 6cm cyst on my left ovary that they suspected was a dermoid cyst. This is the type of cyst that can be malignant or, if left alone, can turn malignant. Therefore, the doctor recommended surgery. A surgery that would leave me off work for 1 - 1.5 months! I know that as an accountant, I don't really have a strenuous job, however, there are only a few times during the year that I can take 1.5 months off work and not be killed for it. I had a lot of thinking to do to determine when I should go for the surgery. My options were:
1. Christmas time - Merry Christmas to me!
2. May/June - after tax season but before my heavy study time kicks in.

The sooner the cyst is dealt with, the sooner we can proceed with possible treatments, should we go that route. Also, obviously, if it is malignant, the sooner we remove it, the better. So...I was in line for surgery. A surgery that could result in the removal of the ovary should the doctor get in there and find the cyst deeply ingrained in the ovary. Hmmm...maybe a little bit of sugar coating would have been nice...

To Ovulate or Not to Ovulate...That is the Question...
The next thing to figure out was whether or not I was even ovulating. Although my charting indicated a relatively clear temperature shift (less so in more recent months), the dr. ordered an ultrasound on day 12 to determine whether or not I was ovulating. The day prior, my GP had ordered an ultrasound to have a look at what was going on my right side. So, I contacted my GP to make sure that she was ok with me combining the two ultrasounds. She was ok with that.

So, on day 12, I show up for the ultrasound (btw...NO ONE told me it was an internal ultrasound - THAT was a fantastic surprise! *insert sarcasm here*) So, the ultrasound tech was kind of useless - he was doing a standard day 12 U/S, even though I kept asking him to have a look on the right side as well. He basically ignored me. Then the dr. came in, had a look, told me I had one follie on my right side forming. When he was trying to leave the room, I told him I wanted to discuss timing for the surgery.
Dr: "What surgery?" Wow...thanks for looking at my chart before coming to see me.
Me: "For the cyst."
Dr: "What cyst?" Finally picks up my chart and looks at it. Mutters to himself "6 cm cyst on left ovary"
Dr to tech: "Go to the left ovary"
Tech: *jab towards left side of body*
Dr: "There's no cyst there."
Me: "Huh???"

Yeah, no cyst on left ovary. Wow. A part of me wonders what kind of crack the CT scan tech was on. Another part of me realizes what a powerful and amazing God we have.

Me: "Okay...so, did you get the results of my husband's analysis?"
Dr: "Hmmm...everything looks normal except for one number. We want to see about 50% moving forward and he only has 30%." Dr. then leaves room before I can ask any more questions. Like "WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN???" If only 30% are moving forward, what the hell is the remaining 70% doing? Sitting on their asses? Going in the wrong direction?

So...that's where we are now. I go for more blood work tomorrow (day 22-26) to determine whether or not that one lonely follie actually matured into an egg. Hell, even if it did, apparently my husband's little guys aren't gonna find it because they are going in the wrong direction.

Today was not a good day...

I'm tired of failing.
I failed at baking a pie a few nights ago.
Now I've failed at helping a friend by fostering her GIANT dog (in addition to dealing with our 5 month old pup). I feel so awful. We said we would take her. And if Darren was here, it would help. But he's gone to Seattle for the weekend (boy's trip to video game convention).
I hate failing. Yet, it seems that is all I've been doing lately. I know it's not true, but it sure feels like it. I need to remind myself of the things that I'm doing right and not failing at.
1. My job - my boss seems very pleased with my performance and I am loving it.
2. My schooling - I have very few revisions required each week and they often do not take me more than 1/2 hour to do and hand back in.
3. My marriage - okay, so maybe I'm not doing stellar in that. Lord knows I'm thankful that I have such a patient husband

Why is it that we don't always notice the good things but the bad things are screaming in our faces? Positive thoughts...positive thoughts...positive thoughts.

I'm sick and tired...

...of being in pain. I hurt so much. Every now and then I get sharp, shooting pains on my right side (the side with the abscess). When it's not sharp, shooting pains, it's like constant cramping. It's gotten so bad, I can't sleep on my tummy anymore. And no doctor wants to do anything for me. The original doctor who did my surgery to remove the abscess doesn't want to deal with me anymore because I was referred to another surgeon that my GP referred me to. My GP doesn't want to do anything because it's not in her "area of expertise". The other surgeon hasn't seen me since June and won't see me until October because she's on holidays. Fantastic. Meanwhile, I'm in pain and frustrated.

So, both Darren and I have some challenges (above and beyond the abscess issues above) coming up.
September 10, Darren gets to go make a "deposit" at the hospital. He's a lot less worried about it now after I asked some questions when I called to make the appointment. The poor man was imagining a curtained off area with assistance. Yeah...you read that right. We're talkin' "Road Trip" type images floating through his wild (more wild than I ever gave him credit for) imagination.
September 15 (yay, second year anniversary), I have my first appointment with the fertility specialist in town. I've read his reviews on ratemds.com. NOT good. I'm a little terrified. Some of the reviews are obviously just from ladies who want to blame their infertility on someone. Others scare the bejeebies out of me. I'll go for the initial consultation, and if he is really as bad as some of the reviews say, I will go back to my GP (who made the referral) and talk to her about it. I know that I can't put 100% stock into those reviews. My own GP has a few not so great reviews, yet I love her. I'm willing to give this guy a chance.

I'm trying really hard to not make this blog a "poor me" blog. I know that I have a lot of things to be very thankful for. And I'm trying. I really am. Some days, like today, when I am in so much pain, it's hard. Darren has been fantastic, but he's a boy and he just doesn't get it. He's willing to go through the testing, which I know that I'm very fortunate for.

I am thankful for:
1. My husband - he is as supportive as he can be
2. My mom - she has been there and can understand the frustration
3. My mother-in-law - again, she has been there. She's been very supportive.
4. My friend - although we haven't had a chance to spend much time together since I moved jobs, I know that she would be there for her
5. My health - although there are some aspects of my body that are currently rebelling, however, overall, I am healthy

My baby...

Okay, I need a bit of pick me up tonight, so just thought I would share a picture of my baby. Her name is Abby and she was 5 months 2 days ago. She's an absolulte sweety. Perhaps she will be the only baby I will ever have.

Some would say I'm fortunate...

Not because I'm struggling with infertility (IF), but because I have some special ladies in my life who have been through the struggle themselves.
My mom. Well, technically, she is my adoptive mother, but for all intent and purposes, she is my mom in every sense of the word. Both of my siblings are also adopted. My parents were unable to have a child of their own. The built their family through adoption. This is also an option for myself and Darren. We aren't at that point yet, but it is definitely in the back of my mind. Thankfully I have a husband who is also open to adoption. My mom has been an amazing source of support. She's been there. She knows the heartache in watching all the ladies around her become pregnant. She knows the frustration. She's been there.
My mother-in-law. Although my husband is a biological child (no one would doubt it looking at Darren and his dad!), they did not have an easy time of it either. They had actually decided on pursuing adoption when she got pregnant. She too has been a great source of support. For her, the solution is to stop worrying because it worked for her. That is definitely easier said than done.
My friend. Her and her husband have been trying to start their family for a few years now. Nothing. She has been very forthcoming with me and a huge source of support. She recommended her doctor to me, who has been fantastic. She understands what we are going through. She understands the stress that this put on a marriage.
I also do have friends and family who are very supporting who have not been through IF. I suppose I am very fortunate. It is important when going through IF to be thankful and appreciative of what you have. It is so easy to focus on what you do NOT have that sometimes you lose focus on what you do have.